mordant wit

Never in the history of conspiracy theories have there been more black helicopters simultaneously airborne than in the case of what actually happened to Adolf Hitler on - and after - 30 April 1945.

Those of a less imaginative bent have it that the Führer simply shot himself and then his few remaining mates incinerated his and Eva Braun's bodies outside the bunker. Shortly afterwards, the Red Army arrived and took what little remained of the unhappy couple and whisked the bits off to Moscow.

However, some doubts remain. On 1 May, Martin Bormann, Artur Axmann (Hitler Youth supremo) and Ludwig Stumpfegger (Hitler's sawbones) tried to leg it out of Berlin. Axmann was later captured in the Bavarian Alps, and maintained that both Bormann and Stumpfegger had been shot during the escape attempt.

Black helicopter watchers know better. Bormann was subsequently spotted in Paraguay, raising speculation that he and his old chum Adolf had relocated to sunnier climes. After all, where better to hide out than South America, where the authorities at that time had a rather laissez faire attitude to top-ranking Nazis bearing large sums of plundered cash.

Well, we can now exclusively reveal that there is one location better suited to keeping your head down if you have made yourself rather unpopular by provoking the Second World War - somewhere so improbable that the conspiracy theory paradigm can consider itself well and truly redefined. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "The Seal's Lair", Bougainville Road, US Navy Exchange, San Diego.