mordant wit

so... i was working on my résumé since i had nothing better to do around here. just in case you don't know - i am on an eid vacation in karachi. well as i was saying, since i was working on it i thought i should basically try and remove all sorts of errors from it.

so here i am looking up common errors in cv's. people are putting in all kinds of points to come up with a great résumé but they're all so vague and unsubstantial. so there i go looking for actual resumes and you won't believe how many mistakes i found.

enough to make a post out of it!!!

here goes:

• "My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."


• "Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."


• "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."


• "Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."


• "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."


• "I am a rabid typist."


• "Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."


• "Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."


• "Proven ability to track down and correct erors."


• "Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."


• "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."


• "References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."


• "Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."


• "Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."


• "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."


• "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."


• "I am loyal to my employer at all costs ... Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemail."


• "Qualifications: No education or experience."


• "Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."


• "Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."


• "Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"


• Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"


• "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."


• "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."


• "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."


• "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."


• "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."


• "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."


• "It's best for employers that I not work with people."


• "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."


• "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."


• "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."


• "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."


• "Marital status: Single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."


• "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."


• "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."


• "Marital status: Often. Children: Various."


• "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."


• "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."


• "Finished eighth in my class of ten."

so well now you guys know what not to put in the résumé. since there isn't any comprehensive help on what to put IN it, at least you would be able to know what NOT to put in it.