mordant wit

When he's not writing poetry or weeding the prison garden, Saddam Hussein is being interrogated about Iraq's WMD programmes. Brian Sack eavesdrops as the former dictator keeps the United States' elite inquisitors at bay

Interrogation commenced: 0735 hours

Colonel Beckwith and I decided to play Good Cop/Bad Cop again. I came into the room as Bad Cop and yelled at SH. He immediately laughed at me because last week when I came in I was Good Cop and gave him a sandwich. I tried to play it off that I had some heartburn and was still Good Cop but "just a little cranky". Colonel Beckwith tried to cover for me by entering the room as Bad Cop and yelling, but that didn't seem to work either. SH muttered something but wouldn't say what.

Interrogation terminated: 0749 hours

Interrogation commenced: 2000 hours

Gave SH a Paddington Bear doll we named "Paddington al-Dubhe". We told him the story and suggested that sometimes it's nice to have a special friend to tell your deepest secrets to when interrogators aren't around. SH said it was very sad that someone would abandon a bear in a train station, but he changed his opinion when he tore the head off and found the microphone.

Interrogation terminated: 2008 hours

Interrogation commenced: 1430 hours

I tried to break the will of SH by showing him an Iraqi newspaper editorial calling for his trial and punishment. SH told me that our Psychological Operations folk obviously printed a fake newspaper. I told him that I bought the paper at an off-base coffee house. He insisted it was a fake. I told him I crossed my heart. He said he did not believe me. I asked what I needed to do to prove that it was a real newspaper, and he suggested taking him to the off-base coffee house to see it first-hand (and could he have a muffin while there?). I asked, but Gen Farley said absolutely no way. SH didn't say anything else aside from asking how much my PsyOps newspaper subscription cost and if there were any PsyOps coupons in it. I asked where the WMD were and he suggested I look in my copy of PsyOps Weekly.

Interrogation terminated: 1540 hours

Interrogation commenced: 0330 hours

Woke SH quite early to catch him off-guard and groggy. I asked, "What's your first name?" and he said, "Saddam." Again I asked, "What's your first name?" and he said, "Saddam." I kept asking, "What's your first name?" and he kept saying, "Saddam." Once I had a rhythm going, I asked, "Where are the WMD?" He said, "Saddam."

Interrogation terminated: 0338 hours

Interrogation commenced: 0700 hours

Today I tried the "respect" technique. I told SH that he was a good detainee and he seemed like a nice enough guy who did a good job running the country. He asked why we fired him if he did such a good job. I said it was probably because he was so good that someone else deserved a turn. He said that made no sense. I said maybe he was hogging it a little. He asked why that was a problem if he was doing such a good job. I said sometimes he got naughty and did not nice things to people. He asked why I would say he was doing a good job if he was so naughty. I said I didn't know. He asked if I was trying the "respect" technique. I said yes.

Interrogation terminated: 0751 hours

Interrogation commenced: 2210 hours

I played chess with SH, who is not too bad a player. At one point, my bishop took his rook. I told him that in the US when you lose your rook to a bishop it is customary to divulge a little personal secret, like maybe where the WMD are. He said we weren't in the US, then he took my pawn with the horse piece.

Interrogation terminated: 0122 hours

Interrogation commenced: 1021 hours

After working the "friend" approach for a while I felt like we'd made a breakthrough. SH said if he ever told anyone about the location of the WMD, it would be me. He said that was because he considered me his best friend. I said I considered him my best friend too, and he should tell me where the WMD are. He said he wouldn't dare because someone might pretend to be my friend just to get such infor- mation from me, and that he couldn't bear to see his best friend get used that way.

Interrogation terminated: 1108 hours

Interrogation commenced: 2230 hours

I told SH that we would be paid a visit by Baghdad's longest-running improvisational comedy troupe, and that they often ask for audience suggestions. I had one of the "players" ask SH for the name of something you'd return to a department store. SH said "wrench". They did a quick scene about returning a wrench, and then another "player" asked for a geographic location where one might hide WMDs. SH was quiet for a long time, so I suggested Wal-Mart.

Interrogation terminated: 2345 hours

Interrogation commenced: 1241 hours

After lunch, SH informed us he was willing to talk. Colonel Beckwith and I sat down with him. He spoke for quite some time and answered every question fully. We believe we have made great progress and we are researching the data.

Interrogation terminated: 1551 hours

Interrogation commenced: 0940 hours

Colonel Beckwith and I told SH that we didn't think it was particularly funny that he had us looking for "Monkey Valley" and the "Camel Ass Testing Facility" when it turned out there were no such locations. Also, we told him we were unable to verify the existence of Mohammad Yomama and we do not believe his claims of having built an "Infidel Ray". We said as a result of our disappointment, we would be denying his TV access. He said TV sucks anyway because they don't sing about him anymore.

Interrogation terminated: 1006 hours

Interrogation commenced: 0250 hours

I roused SH from his slumbers and told him Tariq Aziz was on the phone and wanted to know where the VX gas was. Didn't bite.

Interrogation terminated: 0251 hours

Interrogation commenced: 1122 hours

Col Beckwith and I told SH that next Monday was "International Torture Day" which celebrates torture by removing Geneva Convention restrictions for 24 hours. We hinted that we were excited because we had new probes and thumb screws we wanted to test out. SH told us the fake holiday idea was lame and asked us what we wanted for Kwanzaa.

Interrogation terminated: 1139 hours

Interrogation commenced: 0915 hours

Col Beckwith tried the "shame" approach and reminded SH that after all the high-and-mighty tough- guy posturing, he'd ultimately been discovered cowering in a hole. SH said that yes, he was a little embarrassed about that. He told us a story about a great man who suffered shame and humiliation, and how that man was constantly trying to figure out a good way to get back at the people who embarrassed him. The story was about five hours long and ended with the man concluding that the best way to get back at those people for humiliating him was to waste their time by telling them a long story that went nowhere.

Interrogation terminated: 1419 hours

Interrogation commenced: 2020 hours

While playing Risk, SH hoarded all his troops in Australia as he always does. I told him he should try a different strategy - like maybe putting them in the Middle East or Asia and he said no because they're impossible to defend. He said he'd tell me where the WMD were if I didn't station too many troops in Brazil, so I didn't. He then invaded Brazil and it wasn't too long before all I had was Yakutsk and Madagascar. I got so mad I forgot to ask where the WMD were.

Interrogation terminated: 2311 hours

Interrogation commenced: 1322 hours

We tried the "new cell-mate" approach with Capt Mark Biear. He entered the cell and introduced himself to SH as "Jamal al-Said". SH immediately knew his name was Mark Biear, blood type B-positive, Protestant. If we try this in the future, the "new cell-mate" should not wear dog-tags.

Interrogation terminated: 1322 hours

Interrogation commenced: 0938 hours

General Farley suggested a reverse-psychology approach, so I told SH I didn't care where the WMD were anymore and I didn't want to know. He asked if I was sure and I said yes, I didn't want to know where the WMD were. He asked if I was really, really sure and I insisted I didn't want to know where the WMD were. SH said that was too bad because he was just about to tell me. I recommend the forward-psychology approach from this point onward.

Interrogation terminated: 1002 hours

Interrogation commenced: 0820 hours

I thought I might try the "reward" technique so I asked SH if there were any movies he might like to see. He said he only really liked one movie, and it was about him and how he never told anyone where the WMD were hidden. I told him I hadn't heard of that movie, and he said that's because he hasn't finished making it yet.

Interrogation terminated: 0901 hours

Interrogation commenced: 1735 hours

I introduced a new system whereby SH can receive "Perk Points" for divulging important information. The number of "Perk Points" is determined by the value of the information divulged. "Perk Points" can be redeemed for valuable rewards like snacks and magazines, or saved up for even greater rewards like longer exercise walks and showers. So far, SH only has two "Perk Points" for telling me there was Nutella on my chin.

Interrogation terminated: 1800 hours

Interrogation commenced: 0630 hours

Today was very annoying because SH kept repeating what I said. I told him he was acting childish and he told me I was acting childish. I told him I was going to leave and he told me he was going to leave. I told him he couldn't leave because he was a prisoner and he told me I couldn't leave because I was a prisoner. I asked General Farley if I was a prisoner and he said no, so I don't know why SH said that.

Interrogation terminated: 0934 hours

Interrogation commenced: 1320 hours

I told SH the Red Cross was coming to check up on him next Wednesday. He said he was excited because he liked the Red Cross and looked forward to telling them where the WMD were. I asked him why he'd tell the Red Cross and not me and he said because they always give him a razor and a syringe of sodium phenobarbital. I obtained a razor and a syringe of sodium phenobarbital from the medical tent and gave them to SH. He still didn't tell me where the WMD were, and when I awoke I had no eyebrows and a needle in my thigh.

Interrogation terminated: 1844 hours


thanx Maliha

I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications' incomprehensibleness.


What is unique about it...???

This is a sentence where nth word is n letters long. e.g. 3rd word is 3 letters long, 8th word is 8 letters long and so on.

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make
you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".

100 Greatest Guitar Solos - featuring guitar tablature for the top 100 guitar solos ever


Thanx YasirQ

Anti-Bush Panty Protest

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me more LOGIC -
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY -
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY -
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -
"Just wait until we get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING -
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

A sardar came to garage and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. All looked at each other, and another Mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

He replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there."

The mechanic gave the sardar a piece of paper and a pen and asked him to draw what the piece looked like. He drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

Mechanic then took him over to another car, which had the hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" He pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."


Here's d 710

'One day I wrote her name upon the strand'
- by Edmund Spenser

One day I wrote her name upon the strand,
But came the waves and washed it away:
Again I wrote it with a second hand,
But came the tide, and made my pains his prey.
Vain man, said she, that dost in vain assay
A mortal thing so to immortalize!
For I myself shall like to this decay,
And eek my name be wiped out likewise.
Not so (quoth I), let baser things devise
To die in dust, but you shall live by fame:
My verse your virtues rare shall eternize,
And in the heavens write your glorious name;
Where, whenas death shall all the world subdue,
Our love shall live, and later life renew.

Go to www.google.com, click on language tools, where it says translate text, type 'my mom is nice and cool' and where it says 'from', select 'english to spanish', then click on translate.

Now highlight the spanish translation above and copy paste it into the 'translate text' box below. then select 'spanish to english' and then click on translate again...

Things You'd Love to Say at Work, but Can't

Mercury Music Prize winners FRANZ FERDINAND have banned groupies from their aftershow parties - because they deem sex with fans 'a form of abuse'.

The Scottish TAKE ME OUT rockers - who scooped the coveted honour at a ceremony in London - are disgusted at bands who 'manipulate' girls into bed, knowing the impressionable fans are only consenting to sex because they're starstruck.

In Western Europe thieves are after expensive cars like Mercedes and Audi. Victims rarely get a call from the local police with the message that their car was found. So where do those stolen cars go?

It's most men's worst nightmare to go to a shopping mall with their wives. Why not let them go alone? You'll get to spend some time doing the things you love and your wife can spend all the money she wants. But is shopping in Israel just as much fun as shopping in Europe?

Do you have the time to travel to Los Angeles on October 23rd to participate in an attempt by Victoria Givens to receive an entry in the Guiness Book of World Records?

Just what do you think partying on a beach in Crete looks like? I guess something like Star Beach can give you a good impression.

Arnie's Cummin

I think you don't need that much of a brain to know that waterpolo is nowhere near as good as dancing by a pool.

"Hasta La Vista Baby!"

Do the Arnie when you play paintball with your mates with the Veeker ML9 Paintball Mini Gun.

Life magazine provides you a look at 100 photographs that changed the world.

118 Wallypower

New Swear Words and Hurtful Combos

Tired of talking the same old shit ya' do every day? Using the Saaameee Ooollldddd Swear words you always do? Get's hard to earn people's attention and respect when ya call them a 'butt head' or a 'Son of a bitch', aint it? They just turn to you and say "Yea... So what?" - Those butt heads.

If your name is Tara Reid and you have recently had your boobs done in a way that everybody just has to notice your new items, you also have to make sure you're not caught on camera once you're really drunk.

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.....

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy,and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. "

The Lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."


thanx Asiya

Okay, this is what you're about to see: two girls undressing and fondling each other at some car show. That is, of course, something you have seen over here or somewhere else before, I realize that. But this is one is very funny nonetheless, just have a look at the boy behind the girls.

As far as I know, the Flapper is the only paper airplane that flaps its wings when it flies.

No motor, no rubberbands. Just a piece of typing paper, a penny and an inch of tape.

Drunk Girls

Playboy playmates from December 1953 to October 2002. Uploaded in the name of research, in the public interest, satire, etc..

TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies and the economy grows. You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You worship them.

PAKISTAN ECONOMICS
You don't have any cows. You go to your friends house where he hospitably offers one of his cows as a gift. You tell all your other friends, who tell all their friends; before your hospitable friend knows it he has thousands of Pakistani's at his door.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You profess surprise when the cow drops dead. You put the blame on some nation with cows and naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind. You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows. They are both mad.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an Ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and Market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 17 cows. You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.

BANGLADESH ECONOMICS
You have two cows. You don't know economy. You choose one of them as the Prime Minister of the country and The other as the Leader of the Opposition.

There was once an Indian and a Pakistani who lived next door to each other. The Pakistani owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Indian's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Indian pick up the egg. The Pakistani ran up to the Indian and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Indian disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Pakistani said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the face and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the face and time how long it takes for me to get up, whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Indian agreed to this and so the Pakistani found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Indian and kicked as hard as he could in the face.

The Indian fell to the floor clutching his jaw howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Indian stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Pakistani said, "Keep the damn egg!"

Do you have any idea what an Angry Dragon, a Dog in a Bathtub, a 3-eyed Turtle or a Slumpbuster are? I didn't either, but thanks to the Dictionary of Obscure Sexual Terms I am able to shock the hell out of people....I hope.

I speak English, I really don't need no subtitles!

This is by far the most hilarious thing that came out of the American invasion of Iraq!!

You better have a videocamera ready when you're pulling a prank on someone

Don't you think I'm the coolest dude you have ever seen? I love sunglasses, my Mazda and I cannot forget to tell you that I really like Linux.

Why do I think wearing a helmet is not enough?

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin Just Fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

Can I come over to your place after while?

Ok, this question is just wacky but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...

"LISTEN, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

Votergasm

What kind of sign can you expect when techies decide to join a protest against Bush?

In a world where sex loudly has its say, sex addiction is surprisingly silent, especially when it comes to women.

The term sex addict usually conjures images of promiscuous and sensational sex, in which the person (most often a man) just can't help himself. Although out of control, the addiction somehow seems provocative because it's all about sex. But there is nothing sexy about sex addiction.

Why work hard or walk for miles for your evening meal, when instead you can have a real easy dinner?

The FanWing experimental aircraft opens up a new field of aerodynamics. Engineers have tried for over seventy-five years to find a means of integral lift and thrust using a horizontal-axis wing rotor. Some of these attempts began to get off the ground but none stayed up there. The privately developed FanWing concept is a new departure: the prototype models are capable of controlled and sustained flight and are now already being developed for commercial use as UAV surveillance craft.

- In China, the number 8 is a very lucky number.
- In Texas, the Encyclopedia Britannica is illegal because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
- A rhino's horn is made from hair.
- A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
- Your stomach must produce a new layer of mucus every day, or it will digest itself.
- The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper (druggies!).
- The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
- A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
- 40% of McDonalds' profits come from the sale of Happy Meals.
- Every person has a unique tongue print.
- If you put just one drop of liquor on a scorpion it will go mad and sting itself to death.
- By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink into quicksand.
- Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat a peice of celery than it has in the first place!
- Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson."
- The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
- The Guinness Book of Records holds the record of being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
- Trivia comes from the Latin for "three roads". Usually at a junction of three roads, a market place would form, and invariably it'd be a place for friends to accumulate and prattle on about inconsequential matters.
- A whale's penis is called a 'dork'.
- Walt Disney stomped an owl to death when he was 7 years old.
- About 90% of schizophrenics smoke.
- Hitler only had one testicle.
- The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable".
- Foo Fighters were World War 2 planes.
- When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle it is traveling at about 25 miles per year.
- On average, 100 people choke to death on ball point pens every year.
- In ancient England, a person could not have sex unless you had consent from the King(unless you were in the royal family).

1) What was Bruce Lee's favorite vegetable?
A) Mu Lee

2) What did Bruce Lee like to have for lunch ?
A) Tha Lee

3) What happened to the theatre once a Bruce Lee movie was over ?
A) Kha Lee

4) What was Bruce Lee's sister-in-law's name?
A) Saa Lee

5) Bruce Lee's favorite breakfast
A) Id Lee

6) Bruce Lee's favorite festival
A) Diwa Lee

7) Bruce Lee's favorite Actress
A) Sona lee

8) Bruce Lee's favorite Music
A) Qawa lee

9) What was Bruce Lee's most interesting job?
A) Coo Lee

10) When did Bruce Lee die?
A) Final Lee

11) How did Bruce Lee die?
A) With a Go Lee

12) What was Bruce Lee's favourite hillstation?
A) Kulu Mana Lee

13) When Bruce Lee teased girls, what did they call him?
A) Mawwa Lee

Do you think you're having a bad day?

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.


Do you still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard one slipped, letting go of the stretcher, and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.


Do you really still think you're having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from what she though was a deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


You have to be mad if you still think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.

The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death

Whose Boobs?

thanx to YasirQ

An old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Old Lady: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Old Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see ... Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Old Lady: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Old Lady: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.

Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his
half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Old Lady: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Old Lady: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

Before: To meet Bush in US


After: Receiving Bush in China

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him:

"Daddy, what's S e x?"

"OK!"

He thinks...this day was bound to come, and I am not going to let my little princess learn about Sex from the streets.

He sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, SexualIntercourse, sperms and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wetdreams.


Then she asks hims

"Daddy, what is 'A couple'?"

He carries on

A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can be two males also, or two females which we call lesbians, and goes on to describe oral sex, group sex, pornography, bondage and rape, paedophilia, sex toys, etc...


The father finally asks

"So why did you want to know about 'a couple' and 'Sex'?

"Oh, mummy said lunch will be ready in a couple of secs..."

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus: "I'm hungry pass the pizza."

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

A Pakistani walks into a New York City bank and asks to see the loan-officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys of a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything is checked out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's under ground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says," We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow 5,000?".

The Paki replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

For a correct bra size try the Bellissima fitting room

Victorian Sex Cry Generator

• Oh my dearest, pull out your mighty stallion and let my thighs and linens receive your effusion!


• Oh! such rare and exquisite provocatives!


• You have gorg'd me with the dearest morsel of the earth!


• Harder and again, my darling, I feel my oceans coming upon me!


• Oh, insupportable delight! Oh! Superhuman rapture!

Who needs an iPod, when you can have an iRod? You can store over 10,000 songs!

If you've mastered a way of martial arts, you most likely want to show off your skills, don't you? Well, I suggest you practice some more.....

This just has to be the best way to make people buy an iPod. All you need is Luba to do a commercial. Oh, wait, this isn't a commercial.

Have you ever had the urge to take of all your clothes near a swimming pool and dive in the pool butt-naked with your loved one? If you have ever done it, do you consider skinny dipping again?

The Australian Miss Universe Jennifer Hawkins got topgrades after she lost her skirt on the catwalk and had to walk around in nothing but her thong.

Admit it, you like bloopers. And the harder someone falls, the harder you laugh. I do too. But what could possibly go wrong in shooting a porn movie? The actor completely ruins the scene, but you have to say he's a pro, because he still wants to finish what he started.

Are you one of those people with way too much spare time on their hands so you can take part in those contests where people put up lots and lots of domino stones? To be any good at that you need years of practice. But to be on a team of dominotrackbuilders who take on world records, you have to prove you're any good.
So you spent two months locked up in your attic building the ultimate track and the moment suprème, you start your digicam and give the first domino stone a little push.

Pimps n' Hos are cruising the streets. But I would like to know if you too are a true pimp....prove it.

I guess her mother never told her it's so very important to wear a helmet when you take your bike for a spin.

... and this is the correct way to load your bike when you plan to take it along on your vacation.

if you screw up your life, blame it on your parents - its all in the genes

How fast were you driving?

OkCupid is proud to offer you our latest childish and dubiously legal web-toy: the Virgin Game.

Playing is easy:
- We show you pairs of real people, chosen at random from our lists of virgins and non-virgins.
- You guess who the virgin is.
- We tell you how you did.

Enjoy & good luck guessing. It's harder than you'd think.

X-PRESIDENT Bill Clinton has two important goals these days -- promoting his new best-selling book -- and dating the Olsen twins, shocked insiders say.

According to one of Clinton's friends, who asks to remain anonymous, "as soon as Mary- Kate and Ashley turned 18, Bill said: 'O.K., it's time to get jiggy with them!'"

It's an impressive bridge, but I think you'll like the official site about the Viaduc de Millau as well.

Yes, she was drunk, she was so drunk she got sick, she had to run for the toilet to throw up, but once she got there, she couldn't find the damn thing. Or did she?

Many of the professional and lay articles describing the recent epidemic abuse of cocaine give casual reference to the first popular figure to abuse the drug, London’s consulting detective, Sherlock Holmes. This depiction is rarely understood for its full value as a commentary on addictions from both a medical and historical vantage. As recently noted until the early 1980’s cocaine was generally considered to be a relatively safe, non-addicting agent, with any historical reference to this substance being dismissed as moralistic exaggeration.

Do you think it requires a college degree to have a this great job?

If I look at the girl and the surroundings where the picture was taken, I tend to think she should be able to have it.

If you are a policeman, that doesn't mean you don't have to read the manual for you shotgun.

Here's an example of two people who are bout to be in a lot of trouble after being caught.

This is not a new question.

For years, parents have wondered why Disney repeatedly puts out movies in which the parents are already dead, die a horrible death in the movie, or are just completely absent altogether.

My daughter cried when she saw Mufasa's traumatic death in The Lion King, and always wants to fast-forward through that part.

She "hates it" when the mother dies in Finding Nemo - an otherwise perfect movie.

We saw Brother Bear in the theater and she never wants to see it again because of the deaths.

Consider the evidence.

Would you like to see evidence of what Britney has been doing in her car?

Pic 1   Pic 2   Pic 3

She's a statuesque redhead with green eyes who stands 5'7". Her measurements are 36-22-36 and she's posing topless for the October issue of Playboy magazine.



Oh, just one thing... she's a video game character.

Her name's Bloodrayne and she'll make her naked debut alongside a feature in the upcoming issue of the men's magazine.

I know a girl who cannot possibly drown in the sea. She will keep floating at all times due to her silicone lips.

Some courses at the University of Nigeria - World Leader of Ethical Business Studies

Macro Economics 101
Learn how to leverage your success with the economy of scale that mass email marketing provides. Sending email offers one at a time is useless and a waste of your time. If you send one stupid email offer to millions and millions of people, you exert the same amount of energy and greatly increase the chance that someone will respond to your offer.

...

Statistical Psychology 200
Research has proven that .001 percent of the world population is completely stupid, ignorant to the world around them, and will believe anything. Using this information, you will learn how to launch a mass email to 100 million people around the world and use basic psychology skills to get .001 percent of the sample group to send you money. If for example, you ask them to send you $10,000 each, .001 percent will do so and yield you a $1,000,000,000 return on your investment! (Prerequisite: Macro Economics 101 & History and World Events 400)


and much more!!!

Now here's someone you wouldn't like to see do a Janet. She did anyway...

Ah cabronas!

You would think it's all about a party where the main dish is fish, but that's not true. The Fiesta Bacalao is something completely different.

Penthouse Playmate, Kyli Ryan, came to The Bear studios for a visit and The Bear's Breakfast decided to pull a fast one. Yukon, the host of the show, was blindfolded and was then told he would be able to "cop a feel".



Fair warning...some of the pictures are disturbing and are not for the weak of stomach.